He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
