More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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