You're my little dorito
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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