I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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