i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
