Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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