New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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