I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
