It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
