Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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