just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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