Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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