I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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