If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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