Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
