Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
