I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Randomize
