Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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