Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
