I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
