so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
