I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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