I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
