I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck