Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
