I accidentally burped into my bong.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
All the doctor said was why
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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