Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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