I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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