Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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