I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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