just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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