I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
