fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
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I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
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I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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