just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
