May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
