I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
