i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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