the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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