he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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