This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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