Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So squirting runs in the family.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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