Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
My penis needs a shock collar
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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