Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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