We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
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Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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