Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
