Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
