I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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