Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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