Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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