i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
