I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize