I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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