I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
