I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
